The last Christmas I was not a believer in Christ was in 1976. It was what I would call a haunted Christmas. To understand why I use that term, I have to go back to the Christmas of 1973.
In the fall of 1973, I went to Europe as a college student to look for “the meaning of life” or something like that. I traveled by myself, dropping in and out of travel companions and also in and out of loneliness. I survived, with lots of adventures to tell. In the wake of this trip, I fully embraced an existential worldview–meaning, if there was any meaning to life, was found in my own self-determined actions. I accepted what had been growing in me, that I was an atheist. My memories of Christmas from that year (I returned from Europe a week before) were that it was all a joke, a hoax for weak people who could not deal with the reality that there is no God. Merry Christmas.
The next three Christmases (’74, ’75, ’76) were not so well defined for me. By the fall of 1974, I had started to become weary of the inner anger it took to hold onto my atheism. I wasn’t sure what was true or false, but I didn’t like who I was becoming. And so began a gradual opening of my mind to the idea of God. The more I opened my mind and heart to him, the more I began to be haunted by him. By haunted, I mean thoughts entered my head like, “I wonder if he is real?” “Why do I feel things like love and hate?” “Does he make demands of people?” and, “Is he personal?” These thoughts grew over those years. Christmas (and Easter) became haunted by questions of, “What if it’s true?” By 1976, I was so haunted that I really wanted to believe, I just didn’t have the occasion to.
That God does not exist I cannot deny. That my whole being cries out for God, I cannot forget. Jean-Paul Sartre
What was going on? Why so haunted? I am not the first person to experience this. One of my existentialist heroes, Jean-Paul Sartre, said, “That God does not exist I cannot deny. That my whole being cries out for God, I cannot forget.” Sartre was haunted by his desire for God and honest enough to admit it. British author, Julian Barnes says, “I don’t believe in God, but I miss him.” Again, the mind won’t allow for what the heart yearns. Blaise Pascal frames the intellectual dilemma by saying that there will never be enough evidence to prove with certainty that God exists or doesn’t exist. That doesn’t mean, however, that there is no evidence. Canadian philosopher Charles Taylor says that secular space is “haunted by transcendence,” which tempts secular people toward belief. Tempted by belief–that is exactly what the Christmas of 1976 did! And as much as I was tempted by belief, I also doubted my doubts.
What wasn’t true had become what might be true had become what is true. Christ was born; he was born in me.
The fall of 1977 was the occasion for faith in my life. I committed all I could of myself to all I knew of Jesus Christ. That Christmas was different. It was not haunted, at least not in the same way. There was something new in the singing of carols and Christmas Eve service. What wasn’t true had become what might be true had become what is true. Christ was born; he was born in me. Merry Christmas!
–Pastor Mark, The Imperfect Pastor
Follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men. (Matthew 4:19 NKJV)
The Imperfect Pastor 